Relationships

Direct communication

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Cooperation requires rffective communication. Direct communication is the most effective means of communication when trying to cooperate. Indirect communication is used to attack, manipulate, or defend one's self. Each of these is explained below.

Direct communication

When communication is direct, a person means exactly what they say. There is no implied meaning, insinuation, or mixed message. Think of a scientist saying “The results of the experiment are positive”, or a journalist saying ”The accident occurred at 6pm”; this is direct communication. When you say "I like your clothes", and you are being direct, you mean you like the other person's clothes. People can communicate how they feel by being direct. For example, "I feel hurt that you didn't meet me yesterday" (this is sometimes called an "I-statement").

When being direct, the speaker's tone of voice is usuall "plain" (even monotome), because they are not using a sarcastic or defensive tone (or any other inflection that creates a mixed message). Direct communication is the only form of communication in many fields, such as science, journalism, and in the legal system (a defendant would not plead guilty in court sarcastically, because the sarcastic tone would be disregarded and it would count as a real guilty plea).

In all important matters in society, people use direct communication. For example, when an airplane communicates with air traffic control, they say directly and exactly what they mean, in very specific terms. They don't use sarcasm or imply things, since the situation is too important to allow for any misunderstanding.

Indirect communication

By comparison, indirect communication conceals one's true position or feelings. There are may ways to be indirect, an obvious example is sarcasm. If you don't like someone's clothes and you say (in a sarcastic tone) "I like your clothes", the literal meaning and implied meaning are opposite.

While direct communication has a goal of cooperation, indirect communication has a goal of hurting or manipulating another person, or protecting one's self. Below is an incomplete list of some different forms of indirect communication, grouped into attacks and defenses, along with a description.

Comparison of direct and indirect communication

Situationdirect statement indirect (defensive)indirect (attack)
A person is angered by a comment made about their pet "I don't like your comment about my pet" (direct, possibly angry tone of voice) "Do you have to talk about my pet?!?"(defensive tone of voice) "You can't even take care of a pet, so shutup!"(said with contempt)
A person needs help, but is reluctant to ask "I would like your help, but I'm reluctant to impose" "I don't suppose you would want to help me?"(said defensively) "I know you don't want to help me, so I'm not going to ask" (said in an insinuating, accusatory tone)
A person has been attacked and called names (no response is required, as no question has been asked, so a direct response could be to say nothing) "Why do you have to be such a jerk?"(said defensively) "You've got a big mouth!" (said with hostility)

The four horsemen of the apocalypse

In his book Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail, John Gottman summarizes his research on predictors of divorce. He found the four following behaviors, which all happen to be forms of indirect communication, could predict which couples would divorce. He called these behaviors the four horsemen of the apocalypse:

His research supports how harmful indirect communication can be to a cooperative relationship. As stated above, the purpose of indirect communication is to hurt or manipulate the other person, or defend one's self -- not to cooperate. If your goal is to cooperate, it's necessary to use direct communication.

Levels of communication

It's been said the first level of communication between two people is talking about things in the outside world; the weather, the news, etc. The second level is talking about each other; your work, family, and personal life. The third, and most difficult level of communication, is for two people to talk about the relationship between them. For example, "I'm glad we're friends", "I would like to go steady", "I wish you were more open with me and trusted me more", etc.

For two people to be close (and have emotional intimacy), they need the ability to talk about their relationship. They have to be able to openly discuss their feelings towards each other using direct communication. This is very difficult to do, and requires the ability to trust, listen with an open mind, as well as be direct.

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Last modified: 2010-11-09
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Chris Gregerson - chris@cgstock.com